


18 years without you

by Glowsquid



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Anger, Angst, Childhood Trauma, Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hugs, Hurt, Keith (Voltron) Has Abandonment Issues, Keith crying? In one of my fics? It's more likely than you'd think!, Mother-Son Relationship, Orphan Keith (Voltron), Post-Episode: s02e08 The Blade of Marmora, Space Whales, Swearing, Wilderness Survival
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-21
Updated: 2018-10-21
Packaged: 2019-08-05 12:00:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16367399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Glowsquid/pseuds/Glowsquid
Summary: Keith never had a mother.Now he does.He isn't sure how to feel about that.A chronological series exploring Keith's relationship with his mom. Written for kwmonth.





	1. Chapter 1

Keith didn’t know what it felt like to be lonely and afraid, not really, until his Pop died.

One of the women his dad worked with, he doesn’t remember her name now, picked him up. She had tried to warn him on the way to the hospital, but he was too young to process it yet, to fully grasp what was happening.

He got to sit by his side for only a few minutes before the he flatlined and nurses and doctors practically tossed Keith out of the room in an attempt to save his life. 

So Keith waited. 

And one of the nurses came out after a few minutes to tell him the news, that his father was dead, Keith didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know what to feel. Because no one had thought to prepare him for this. 

It doesn’t click until the social worker shows up at the hospital. And he starts asking Keith questions.

The first is, “Where's your mother?”

“I don’t know.”

“Do you know when she’ll be back?”

“I don’t know.”

“Do you know how to get in touch with her?”

Keith doesn't.

“What’s her name?”

Keith doesn’t know that either. Pop had never told him. All he had said was, “She’ll be back someday, Keith, I promise. She’ll explain everything.”

But his mother isn’t here now to explain anything, and his father can’t explain either because he’s dead, and that’s when Keith realizes that he’s completely alone. He'd been cut away from everything he ever knew, the person in the world he loved the most was gone, and he never would be back. Ever.

His father was dead. His mother might as well have never existed because Keith doesn't know who she is and he doesn't know what's going to happen to him. He never dreamed he'd have to do this alone. 

He doesn’t want to be alone.

And that’s when he breaks down, right there in the hospital waiting room, crying harder than he ever had in his life. 

The rest of the day is a blur, but before he knows it he’s lying in a strange bed in a group home, and he’s too tired to do anything but escape into the comforting nothingness of sleep. 

Then the nightmares start. 

He can’t remember the dreams clearly, only that they’re of Pop being dead. There’s fire and choking smoke, then the smell of antiseptic and the chilling sound of a flatlining heart monitor. Whatever actually happens is drowned out by the crushing loneliness that returns when he’s woken by the sound of his own weeping.

He doesn’t want to do this without Pop. He misses him so badly. 

And as he lays there in the silence and the blackness, tears dampening his pillow, the anger creeps in. Tiny seeds planted in desperation because anything is better than grief and fear.

His dad was a fool for believing his mother would ever come back. He was probably in denial the whole time. And that naivete had hurt them both at the end. He was probably stupid for running back into that fire too. Sure, he had saved someone’s life, but destroyed Keith’s in the process. 

And his mother. He doesn’t know her, but as he lies awake in the darkness she begins to take shape in his head. A monster who left her son and her…. Come to think of it, Keith doesn’t know what she and Pop were to each other. Married? Sweethearts? Strangers brought together by the haze of alcohol and loneliness? It doesn’t matter. Wondering about it only increases the bitterness welling in his chest. Any place in his heart Keith might have held for his mother, the woman who gave birth to him, shrivels up and dies. Any hope he had of meeting her, knowing her, loving and being loved by a mother is gone. She doesn’t matter. She might as well not exist at all.


	2. Chapter 2

After the trials of Marmora, Keith did not sleep well. His body ached from combat. The bruises and cuts he had got weren’t bad enough to warrant a pod, so he accepted some painkillers and some ice and resigned himself to healing the way he always had: rest and ibuprofen. 

That was hard to do when his brain was still swirling. 

He was trying to process everything and compartmentalize, but he couldn’t. As much as tried he couldn’t rationalize what had just happened. His dagger could turn into a sword. Which meant that he had Galra DNA. Which meant that he had at least one (1) Galra ancestor. And they were a member of the Blade of Marmora. Which meant that he could turn his dagger into a sword. Which meant that he had Galra DNA. And on and on and on. 

He tossed irritably in bed for the hundredth time. He had to sort this all out. He had to figure out what it all meant or he would go crazy. 

His whole body lurches as he swings his legs off the edge of the bed, pushing the sheets off his body has he goes. He stumbles into the hall, not even sure where he’s going. He’s aware that he’s only wearing a t-shirt and what were essentially Altean boxers and normally he would be embarrassed - he’s modest to a fault - but right now it doesn’t seem to matter that much. 

He almost doesn’t notice when he runs into Hunk. 

“Hey dude, what’s up? I - wow.” Hunk trails off whatever he had been about to say and a look of concern spreads over his face. “Are you okay, man? No offense but you look like hell.”

Keith can feel a blush spreading over his cheeks. 

“I’m fine.” 

“Are you sure?” Hunk sounded skeptical. “I was gonna get some water, you want to come? Staying hydrated will help almost anything.” 

And Hunk sounded so sincere that Keith believed him. Hell, maybe it would help clear his head.

So he said, “Sure.” And padded behind Hunk towards the kitchen. 

They got their waters and Keith curled up in one if the kitchen chairs. He expected Hunk to head back to his room, but the Yellow Paladin hoisted himself up onto the counter with surprising Grace for his size. They sat in silence for several minutes, sipping their water and thinking. 

Until Hunk blurted out, “You know we won't think any less of you, right?” 

Keith blinked in surprise. “What?” 

“I mean, I can't speak for the others I guess,” he clutched his glass of water tightly. “But the fact that you're part Galra, I mean, that doesn't change who you are, Keith, you're still my friend. You'll always be a Paladin of Voltron.”

“Not if Allura has anything to say about it,” Keith mumbled darkly.

Hunk winced. “Okay, she might need more time to come around. But I know that she trusts you, I've seen it. Maybe she just needs time to get used to it.”

“Maybe.” The whisper was barely audible. 

There was a short span of awkward silence in which neither teen knew what to say next until Hunk broke the silence once more.

“And Keith, I mean, this whole… you-being-part-Galra thing has completely blown my mind and it's not even about me, I can't imagine what you must be feeling right now. So I'm just trying to say, you're not alone right now, you know? Like, if you ever want to talk about it, I'm here.”

Keith didn't reply, he just stared into his water. His heart panged in his chest. Hunk's voice was warm, and it carried a sincerity that even Shiro couldn't replicate. 

Would it help to talk about it? Keith had lived his life by the philosophy of burying any negative emotions deep in the recesses of his brain where they couldn't hurt him. That had worked fine for him so far.

But had it? Keith still had a hard time connecting with people. Even with a team so tightly knit as Voltron, he constantly felt like he was just on the edge, peering in from behind an invisible barrier, constantly trying to push himself over into their circle of camaraderie and easy affection but he didn't quite know how. They'd tried to reach out to him, each in their own ways, but even accepting their help felt impossible. 

Was this what connected them to each other? Sharing their feelings, even when it hurt? Would sharing this with Hunk really be so bad?

He trusted Hunk more than any member of Voltron, second only to Shiro. Maybe it would help.

Keith braced himself.

“I don't know what to do now, with everything.”

His voice sounded weak even to him. 

“Physically? Or emotionally?”

“Both, I guess.” 

Keith took a deep breath and continued. 

“It’s just… a lot. And I guess I don’t know how to feel about it. I'm trying to process everything but it just won't settle down. It's so confusing. I feel like I should do something about it, but I don't know what. And to be honest with you I guess… I guess I’m scared.”

He shuddered. He felt fucking naked. 

But he'd said it. 

Hunk hummed thoughtfully. “That's a lot, dude.” He paused. “It’s okay to be scared. I would know. And it’s okay to now know how you feel, either. There isn’t any one right way to respond, and coming to terms with something like this can be really difficult.”

Keith nodded mutely and took another drink. 

“Do you think you want to try to find her? Your mother?”

He had to remind himself to breathe. “I don't know.” Keith hesitated, choosing his next words carefully. “I thought I was at peace with it, the fact that my mother… left me.” His voice broke over those words but he soldiered on, trying to keep his emotions in check. “But now, I don't really know where I stand anymore.” 

“That's okay, dude.” Hunk's voice was soft and gentle in the darkness. “You can take all the time you need to figure it out. If you want to try to find her we'll help you but if not, that's cool too.” 

Keith nodded, worrying his glass in his hands. 

“Thank you,” he whispered hoarsely.

“Of course,” Hunk replied. 

They didn’t speak more, and when he was finished his water, Keith was about to slink off back to bed. But before he could leave, Hunk slid from his position on the counter and silently held out his arms. An invitation. For a hug. 

Keith’s youth hadn’t been stellar. The foster system hadn’t been kind to him and neither had his peers, he had developed a firm dislike for being touched unexpectedly. Some days, for being 

touched at all. But this was Hunk, and Hunk was asking for permission, waiting for Keith’s consent. 

So he tucked himself into Hunk’s chest and tentatively wrapped his arms around his broad back. Hunk hugged him right back, embracing him without squeezing. It felt nice, really nice, and Keith couldn’t help but relax a little, allowing himself a moment to linger in the warmth and security. 

But all good things must end. And after a few seconds, Keith pulled away, wished Hunk good night, and padded back to bed. 

Surprisingly, he fell asleep fairly quickly after that.


	3. Chapter 3

The first night on the Space Whale was… awkward to say the least. 

The first priority, of course, was survival and the mission if finding shelter and a water source occupied both their minds for a few vargas. But once they got settled in for the night, in a lean-to made of leaves and branches a respectable distance from a stream with a small fire going, the tension was almost unbearable. 

She kept staring at him only to snatch her eyes away when he noticed her looking. To be fair, he only realized she was doing this because he was doing the exact same thing. 

Should he talk to her? No. That wouldn't do. It felt too much like letting her win. Like admitting she had a place in his life anymore. 

Unfortunately, resistance was futile. She spoke up.

“It hurt me, leaving you.” 

He fought to urge to growl out loud. He did not want to talk about this. 

“That must have been hard.” was all he could manage. 

“Keith, you have to understand, I never wanted to leave you.”

“I know.”

Krolia seemed to breathe a short sigh of relief.

“But you did.”

Keith knew his voice sounded brittle and cold but he thought he was exercising remarkable restraint considering how he felt inside. 

“Keith, please.” Almost like she was begging. “I understand why you're upset, I do, but you're my son, I had to protect-” 

“Don't say that. Don't _ever_ say that to me!” 

Keith didn't know when he decided to shout but there's no going back.

“I know your intentions were good, but that doesn't change shit! I spent my whole life believing you abandoned me. Do you know what that _did_ to me?”

His voice started to climb up an octave and he knew he needed to calm down. Shiro would tell him to keep his emotions in check, not give in to anger. _Patience yields focus._ Well, Shiro wasn't there. 18 years of buried grief and resentment spilled over all at once like a pot left on the stove for too long. Krolia stared at him in shock, but Keith was far from finished. 

“And you- you want to just pretend that everything's fine like you can walk back in my life after _18 fucking years_ and just… I don't know, pick up where we left off!”

He was on his feet by then. The point of no return had come and gone.

“You might be my mother, but I am _not_ your son.” 

She sucks in a breath and her face went slack. She looked horrified. Good. He wanted her to hurt as much as he did. 

“Keith-”

“I'm _no one's_ son.”

And with that, he stalked off into the surrounding vegetation, heading for the river. He could hear calling after him, and he knew he should probably go back. Every rational thought would warn him against wandering off alone in unfamiliar territory and he had no idea what might be waiting in the dark, but his need to get away overrode his more rational side and propelled him forward, away from the protected circle of firelight. 

He plunked his butt down on a rock by the side of the river and wrapped his arms around his knees. Distance lessened the intensity of his anger somewhat, and he knew what he said was uncalled for. He understood the way the Blades operate. He understood how hard it would it be to disguise her alien identity on Earth. He understood in his mind why she did it. 

But that didn't take any of the hurt away. 

Her leaving caused irreparable damage in Keith's life. He supposed it must have hurt her too. But she wasn't there when Pop died. She didn't know what was going on in the years she was away. How could she? She had a mission to carry out. And now that they were reunited, she wanted to connect with him, to have the relationship neither of them got to have. 

Keith can't do that. Not now. Not any time soon. 

He wished Shiro were there. He would know what to do, what to say that would make everything make sense. He’d even take Hunk, or Lance, or Pidge, or Coran. Hell, even Allura. He just didn't want to be alone.

Why did he always end up alone in the moments when he needs someone the most?

He buried his head in his knees and began to sob.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay. So these are some concepts that have been brewing in my head for a while now, and now I'm putting them in writing. Yay me? Also Sinner by Andy Grammer is a Big Keith Mood I thought about it a _lot_ while I was writing this.


End file.
